Underwood Scotch and Wry Ch 20

Brian-Head-Shot-for-ExtremelyAvgAn hour at the Pit and Kurt rounded everyone up to go see his boyfriend perform a Beyonce retrospective at “The Good, The Drag and the Ugly, Night”. Arthur, who was well lubricated, found he liked the music but really wanted to talk about spaghetti western.

Emily drug Eric out on the dance floor and somewhere Fred Astaire rolled in his grave. Wen and Kurt joined them, after Arthur refused to be pulled from the table and into the fray.

When Beyonce exploded on stage, the crowd went nuts. He did some newer stuff, which Arthur had never heard, but then all the performers joined him on stage to sing Bills, Bills, Bills, and even Arthur knew that one.

Arthur admitted, though it was under the influence and not admissible  in court, that he had enjoyed himself.

At seven minutes past one in the after noon, Arthur rolled over and found Maltise curled up, but awake. “Hey there.”

In a very non-judgmental way, Maltese said, “Mew”. He then reached out slowly and put a paw on Arthurs chin and added a rather long, “Meow.”

“I suspect you’re interested in some food, but before that, how did I get home?’

Maltese didn’t seem to know, but looked a little concerned.

“Don’t worry, I’m fine, this isn’t my first Sunday morning, er, afternoon, let’s get you fed and watered…and me too.”

Arthur got out of bed and Maltese raced to the kitchen. When Arthur caught up, he found the little black cat sitting patiently next to the bowl. He made eggs for himself.

Nibbling on toast, Arthur brought up Tweetdeck and watched for a while. He had some more followers and wasn’t sure why. Still, it was nice of them to be interested in his musings, so he followed them, too. His first tweet was simply, “How’s everyone doing this afternoon?”

A student replied, “Just studying Dr. Byrne, like everyday…  ;-)”

He called Wen, “Lou, I’m on Twitter.”

“I know, I saw your tweet, I was trying to think of something clever to say in a reply.”

“That’s why I called, I got a response and there is some strange punctuation.”

“It’s probably a typo, that happens with tweets.”

“Okay, so semi-colon, dash, right bracket, is an accident?”

She laughed, “Actually, no, that one was intentional, it means wink.”

“How in the world does random punctuation mean wink?”

“It is a sideways smiley face, but the semi-colon makes it look like a win.”

Arthur turned his head and said, “How clever, when did you kids figure that one out?”

“I don’t know, but it’s not new.”

“Does everyone know about this?”

“They do now.”

Arthur laughed, “Nice one,” and he hung up.

A tweet came across from Wen, “Happy to help.”

Another tweet from a student read, I’m just watching the Redskins game. You?

Arthur didn’t feel it was appropriate to say something about his hangover, to a student, so he wrote back, Just ate a bit of lunch, well more of a late breakfast, and am going to prep for classes next week.

Cool, I’ve already read the assignment and three extra blog posts.

Well done. Anything interesting?

Actually, I just read a hilarious post comparing Snooki and Toni Morrison, want a link?

I can’t imagine they have anything in common, but you’ve piqued my interest, sure.

A moment later the link showed up and Arthur clicked on it. A browser opened, but he didn’t start reading immediately.

He got up and started to pace and then called Eric. “Hey, you got a second?”

“Sure, but I’m not giving any details.”

“About what?…oh, did you have a sleep over friend last night?”

“I said, I’m not kissing and telling.”

“You dawg, was it that bartender, Craig, I think he dug you.”

“Very funny…actually, he was giving me free drinks, no…Emily and I shared a cab and well, one thing led to another.”

“Did you give her the launch codes?”


“Nothing, that isn’t why I called, but good for you. No, I just had a conversation with a student.”

“Really? You generally don’t like to be bothered outside of office hours.”

“It was on Twitter.”

“Who was the student? Is she a hottie?”

“I have no idea and it was a he.”


Arthur laughed, “I don’t think so. I hadn’t really gotten the point, until now. It seemed like a mindless stream of links and inane comments, but if one wants, one can have a discussion. It is like email or texting, but one doesn’t know who is going to show up,”

“What do you mean?”

“I asked how people were doing and got some replies, but one of them led to a brief back and forth about school and then he sent me a link.”

“What sort of link?”

“To a blog post he had read for his homework. It is a comparison between Snooki and Toni Morrison.”

“That sounds hilarious, was it good?”

“That’s what he said, and I don’t know, I haven’t read it yet.”

“What’s your Twitter handle?”

Arthur told him and a moment later he had another follower. Arthur asked, “Why do you want to follow me? Don’t you get enough of my abuse?”

“Apparently not, but now if you RT the link, I can read the post.”

“You’re going to read it?”

“Sure, it sounds funny. It sounds like the sort of thing you’d write.”

It was like a fire alarm had gone off. Arthur had meant to tell Eric that he had written something, but forgotten. Now, in the light of day, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to let out his secret. “I’m going to go and give it a read.”

“Me too, tweet at you later.”

Arthur hung up and started to read.

Waxing Unlyrical

April 4th, 2011

Snooki v. Toni Morrison

I don’t know Snooki.  I can say with confidence that  I would prefer to be beaten about the head and shoulders with a block of hardened aged Gouda than to watch ‘The Jersey Shore’.  And yet, I feel like I want to write a lengthy rant, mocking her and the show, because of my perceptions.  That would be unfair.

It was announced that Snooki will be speaking at a major college on the east coast.  She will be receiving $32,000.  I applaud her for getting the gig.  Toni Morrison, the first black woman to win the Nobel Prize in literature, will also speak.  She will receive $30,000.

I have not read anything by Toni Morrison, so I know as much about her, as I do Snooki.

Let the caged match begin!

“If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.”  -Toni Morrison

I love that quote.  It makes me want to read more of her work.

“Everybody Google it, because that’s why the water is salty.  Fucking whale sperm.” -Snooki

I am not a marine biologist, but I think she may have been misinformed.   I must admit, I didn’t google it, though, so I reserve judgment.  (I hate that Microsoft Word won’t recognize ‘google’ as a verb.  Stupid squiggly lines of judgment.  I digress.)

1-0 Toni Morrison takes the lead.

“At some point in life the world’s beauty becomes enough. You don’t need to photograph, paint, or even remember it. It is enough.” -Toni Morrison

I am a photographer, so I can’t imagine NOT photographing it, but I suspect she is right.  It is a fine quote, regardless.

“I don’t go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning.  I feel like he did that intentionally for us, like McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning, because he is pale and would probably wanna be tan.” -Snooki

Rachael Maddow and Glenn Beck can suck it!  This is the sort of in-depth political analysis, which this country needs to drag us out of this terrible recession and help  choose our leaders.


“As you enter positions of trust and power, dream a little before you think.”  -Toni Morrison

This seems wise beyond my ability to comprehend.  My gut tells me it’s genius, but I suspect that only the Dali Llama can truly appreciate the quote.  I’m sure there are layers and layers to this simple idea.  Well done Toni.

“I don’t eat friggin’ lobster or anything like that.  Because they’re alive when you kill it.”  -Snooki

Maybe she is a marine biologist?  Maybe she is a distant cousin of Yogi Berra? Still, the point goes to Toni.


“We die. That may be the meaning of life. But we do language. That may be the measure of our lives.”  -Toni Morris

A solid entry, clearly Toni can tell that Snooki is on the ropes.  Did she pull her punch?

“Even though we’re tiny bitches I don’t give a shit.  I will fucking attack you like a squirrel monkey.”  -Snooki

I didn’t see that one coming, but I laughed.  ‘Monkey’ is always a funny word.  Point to Snooki.


“Along with the idea of romantic love, she was introduced to another–physical beauty. Probably the most destructive ideas in the history of human thought. Both originated in envy, thrived in insecurity, and ended in disillusion.”   -Toni Morris (The Bluest Eyes)

I can see why she won a Noble prize.  That is some fine wordsmithing.  Let’s see what Snooki has to say in response.

“I am tanned; I like being tanned, BITCH!”   -Snooki

It was a surprisingly close match, but in the end Toni won 3-2.

Aaaarghhh…No She didn’t!  Toni Morrison is a national treasure, Snooki is not.  There isn’t a score card in the galaxy that would read 3-2; it is 5-0 every time.  I made it close to keep you reading and for that I apologize.  Ms. Morrison won a Nobel in Literature; do I need to say it again?

I won’t mention the school, who had deemed Snooki to be $2000 dollars more valuable than Ms. Morrison.  Nor will I bash Snooki further, as I would gladly take the money, too.  I will, however, berate the dregs of society, who decided to place a greater value on Snooki than Toni Morrison.  I am sure the students will think it is great, because they are the generation who made Snooki, in their own image.

I hope Toni takes her Nobel Prize, melts it down, and fashions a club for beating the stupid out of the attendees. Or at the very least, goes squirrel monkey on them.

Arthur loved it and tweeted back to the student, Thanks, that was fantastic. A good find, indeed.

Another tweet landed on his screen, from Eric, LOL.

Arthur may be living in the past, but that short hand he recognized.

MZazeela like.author.displayName 1 Like

Snooki vs Toni Morrison! How unlikely.


Imagine, Arthur having a conversation on Twitter. Most folks still don't get it. You can talk  to the world and the world responds.

ExtremelyAvg moderator

 @MZazeela I've had so many wonderful conversations on Twitter. One evening a couple of years ago, a woman from the U.K and I discussed the ghost she had living in her little home. It was delightful.

MZazeela like.author.displayName 1 Like

 @ExtremelyAvg I have had a few of those too, Brian. Conversations that would have been virtually impossible just a few years ago.

ExtremelyAvg moderator

 @MZazeela I did! I talked her into Twitter two years ago, but she never found it interesting. I think she was busy feeding and clothing her children. *Shakes head* She has always had a messed up sense of priorities.

ExtremelyAvg moderator

@MZazeela Every one of the readers of this story is someone I've met through Twitter. My editors that I use are all from Twitter. When I launch a book, 80% of my sales come from my Twitter friends. My quote unquote Real World Friends, can't be bothered to read my stuff. Heck, even my sister doesn't read my blog.


This must be an 'homeland' chapter as I can say without fear of contradiction 'Ihave no idea who w=either of these ladies are' but I am assuming from @Juliabarrett comments that they are real.  At first I thought we were going to be getting something from the deep south with vampires, and Sooki was going to explain her unnatural fondness for cold appendages........

ExtremelyAvg moderator

 @tomstronach  @Juliabarrett Yes, Snooki is on a reality show (or was at the time I wrote in in 2011) called Jersey Shore. She is the proof that Jeremy Clarkson is right, all Americans ARE fat and stupid.


 @ExtremelyAvg  @Juliabarrett Ah JC! I remember him well I even dedicated a blog post to him http://tomstronach.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/jeremy-clarkson-should-be-he-sacked.html but I don't think Brain that you are ALL fat and stupid xxxxx


 @ExtremelyAvg  @Juliabarrett sorry, you'd think Ias I have a son with the same name I could spell it correctly by now as he is now in his 30's and owns three pub/diners 


Oh... not a Toni Morrison fan here, nor a Snooki fan.  Thus they both cancel each other out in my world.

ExtremelyAvg moderator

 @Juliabarrett Other than the quotes, I've not read any of Ms. Morrison's work. What is it about her that you find objectionable?


 @ExtremelyAvg I actually think she's a great writer.  Love her work.  Snooki is NOT  a writer.  That's for sure.  And I don't think I'll dig my hole any deeper.


Sorry, been sick.  Lost.  Got some catching up to do!